THE MONKEY GIRL

August 26, 2026

by Rusty W. Mitchum

Ahhhh, I can almost smell the cotton candy, candied apples, footlong hot dogs, and diesel fuel. It’s almost Fair time. It is a great time to blow your money on a bunch of fun and junk. And all you’ll have to show for it is a bellyache and some great memories.

Of course, the fair has changed a lot since I was a kid. Back then they had more sideshows. Yep, for a solid quarter you could see the world’s most active fat man; eight hundred and some odd pounds of spirited flesh. We’d plop our quarters down and walk into the tent only to see a huge man, sittin’ on a stump, wearin’ what looked to be a diaper. His belly hung down to his knees. When everybody that had paid got inside, the fat man would stand up, walk over to a bicycle, throw a leg over it and walk it for about six feet. He’d then dismount and go back and sit on his stump and thank us for comin’. The show was over. Now, I know what you are thinkin’. “Boy what a rip-off,” and you are right, but you know you are goin’ to get ripped off before you go in. But you’ve got to pay to see how they’re goin’ to rip you off. I love it.

There used to be a lot of freak shows, too. I now know that term is not politically correct now-a-days, but so what; neither am I. I loved the freak shows. I’ve seen Siamese twins, a lady with rubber skin, a human skeleton, and all sorts of other wonderful people. My dad said that when he was a kid, he saw a two-headed man. He said one head was eatin’ a watermelon and the other was spittin’ out the seeds (and you thought I was the only one in my family that told tales). I once paid a quarter to see a bearded lady and after we got inside the tent, we were told that for an extra dime she would prove she was really a woman. I nearly ripped my pocket off tryin’ to get to my dime. Then she lifted her beard and showed us that she didn’t have an Adam’s apple. Ripped off again.

The sideshow that I remember the best was one that I attended with my best friend, and blood brother, Greg Hunt and another friend, Steve Cooper. Greg and I had been sellin’ Coke bottles for a long while, savin’ up the three cents they each brought to spend at the fair.

When fair week arrived, they should have just gone ahead and let school out because nobody’s mind was on learnin’. It was on the fair. Tuesday night was Kid’s Night, so that’s when most of us would go. There were a few lucky souls whose parents let them go on Monday, although they had to pay to get in on that day. These kids were grilled for information the next mornin’.

“Are there any new rides? How about the haunted houses? Were they scary?” They would be asked. But there was only one question that I wanted an answer to.

“Are there any good side shows?” I asked.

“Yeah,” said my friend Mark. “They have this one where a girl turns into a big monkey.”

“Go on,” I said.

“No really,” he said. “It looked real, too.”

Well, I was useless the rest of the day. All I could think of was that Monkey Girl.

That night my mom dropped us off at the fair’s gate.

“You boys be on your best behavior,” she said.

“Yes Ma’am,” we answered, not that we had really heard what she had said.

We ran to the gate and gave the lady the tickets they had passed out at school. “Hey, Ma’am,” I said to the lady. “Where’s the place where the girl turns into a gorilla?” She pointed and away we went. When we got there, there were several of our friends from school waitin’ outside the tent. We stood outside the tent and listened to the barker’s speech.

“Sounds pretty good,” I said.

“Yeah,” agreed Greg.

“Let’s not go in yet,” said Steve. “Let’s wait ‘till it gets dark.”

“Oooooo, yeah,” we all said. We did wait around long enough to see a bunch of kids come runnin’ out screamin’.

“Oh man, I can’t wait,” I said.

We ate some footlong hotdogs, played some games and rode some rides, nothin’ that spun around though. My stomach couldn’t take that. Before long, it was dark. We listened to the barker once more, just to set the mood, and then paid our money and went in. We were instructed to stand behind a rope. In front of the rope was a small stage. At the back of the stage there was an iron bar door, and way back behind that was a cage.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” said a man dressed in a safari suit. “What you are about to see before you, is a phenomenon of which there is no comparison. From the darkest jungles of Africa, I present you with…. Tanya!” A spotlight came on the cage and standin’ in it was a girl dressed in a little bitty bikini.

“Wow!” exclaimed Greg. “That ain’t no girl, that’s a full-grown woman!”

“No joke,” I said. Steve just stood there mesmerized. She was beautiful.

“Tanya,” continued the safari man, “is remarkable in the fact that she is able to transform her beautiful body into a ferocious 400 pound gorilla right before your eyes. Now, if you would all be really quiet, I will put Tanya in a trance.”

Man, you could have heard a pin drop.

“Tanya,” said the man. “You are going into a deep sleep.” She closed her eyes. “Tanya, you will now transform yourself into a gorilla”

Now, I don’t know how they did it, but as the spotlight dimmed, it looked like hair was growin’ all over Tanya.

“Would you look at that,” said Steve.

“Wow,” said Greg.

About that time all the lights went out except the one over the stage.

“Oh no!” exclaimed the safari man. “We’ve had a power failure, but don’t worry. She cannot escape from her cage.”

We couldn’t see the gorilla inside that cage, but it was sure raisin’ Cain in there. Then the cage door swung open. Then some big hairy hands grabbed the iron bar door and started rattlin’ it.

“Oh my gosh!” yelled the man. “She’s escaped! I’m getting out of here!” and behind a curtain he went. We were all frozen with fear.

About that time, the iron door flew open and slammed back against the wall. On stage, and into the light appeared a huge gorilla. We looked up at it, too scared to move. All around us people were screamin’ and runnin’ over each other to get out. Then, the gorilla jumped off of the stage, right in front of us and roared. I don’t know what came over me, but I reared back and punched that gorilla as hard as I could right in the face. The face caved in like it was made out of plastic or somethin’ and the gorilla fell back against the stage and then slid down and fell over on the ground. It was out cold.

Then all of a sudden, I was bein’ lifted off of the ground and was bein’ shook. Not by the gorilla, but by the safari man.

“Are you crazy, kid?” he yelled. “What’s the matter with you? I ought to beat your head in!”

“I-I-I-I-don’t-don’t-don’t-sorry-sorry-sorry-scared-scared-scared,” I stammered.

“Get out of here!” he screamed and dropped me.

I ran outside, still shakin’. Greg and Steve were right behind me. The people who had been in the tent with us were standin’ out there and when I emerged, they started clappin’. They were laughin’ and slappin’ me on the back. I was a hero.

A girl walked up to me, and said, “That was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Awwww,” was all I could think of to say.

“Will you ride the Round-Up with me?” she asked.

“Uh, the Round-Up?” I asked. “Idn’t that the one that spins real fast and then tilts up?”

“Yes,” she smiled. “Why, does that bother you?”

“Me? Ha! Heck no,” I lied.

We climbed on and rode. I climbed off and promptly threw up my footlong hot dog. The girl’s face went from adoration to disgust in a nanosecond. My hero status had lasted about ten minutes, and then I was back to my old, pathetic self.

Ripped off, again.